Joe Knows. The Vacation Question

Here's our first answer for Joe Knows. The original post can be found here. Joe Knows is your chance to ask a therpist any question you want to ask but don't want to pay to find the answer.

Here’s how it works:

1. People submit a question.
2. A question is chosen at random by someone associated with me (or me) solely at our discretion.
3. The question is posted and you our readers are given a week to answer and offer advice.
4. One week after the original posting, I will post an answer either via video or written blog post.

Here’s last week’s question:

My
husband and I disagree on the importance of vacations. He doesn’t think
they are necessary and I do. Before we had kids, it wasn’t as big of a
deal because I could just take a few days away for myself. But now that
we have kids, I really want us to do these as a family because I want
my kids to have those memories. My husband says that I am being silly
and that we can make perfectly fine memories without leaving our house.
It’s not that we can’t afford a vacation. We can, my husband just
doesn’t want to spend money that he could be using to pay off debt for
vacations. I think we need some balance. Help!

~Frustrated in Michigan

My response:

Hi Frustrated,

I can see how this would be a frustrating situation.
Vacations can be an important way to create sacred spaces and connecting
rituals for families. These have been identified as two necessary ingredients
to help a family. I think you both have to consider a few things.

1. First of all, I think all couples should
   consider how they can compromise in a situation of conflict. What is your
   husband’s real issue with vacation? How does he recharge? What does he do for
   down time? Can he articulate what you want out of vacations and why you think
   they are important? Does he agree or disagree with you regarding those
   thoughts. Once you have all of these answers, can the two of you find a way for
   mutual agreement? Rather than seeing the situation as an “either/or” can you
   view it as a “both/and”? In other words, can you handle his stressors and
   accomplish your goals at the same time? For instance, if his concerns are money
   related and you agree with him that money is tight in regards to this, how can
   you budget for future vacations while agreeing to do local things in your area
   for one or two days? One of our commenters posted a link to a nice and
   affordably priced campsite.
2. How does he want to connect with your children?
   Can you incorporate those desires into your vacation plans?
3. Lastly, Can you come to some sort of time
   compromise? Would it be possible for you to strike an if/then agreement? If you
   agree to do it the way he would like this year, would he be willing to do it
   the way you would like next year? If you can put together a vacation on his
   budget, then would he be willing to go?

Of course, I am biased toward the idea of having a
non-biased third party enter into the conversation in order to help you delve a
little deeper into what might be really going on in your relationship. You
might want to find a counselor in your area and spend a few sessions with them
discussing these things.

Good luck and thanks for writing in.

If you have a question that you’d like to submit to Joe
Knows, send me a message on my Facebook page.

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