In today’s fast-paced society, there is immense pressure on parents to ensure that their children are involved in every sport, extracurricular activity, and academic pursuit available. This “superparent” mentality often leads to overscheduled children and exhausted families. I can’t tell you how many couples I’ve met whose relationship has died, having been sacrificed on the altar of well-intentioned organized activities and sports. While participation in activities can offer numerous benefits such as socialization, physical fitness, and skill-building, there is a growing recognition that perhaps children do not need to be constantly engaged in structured activities to thrive. Instead, focusing on fostering solid and supportive relationships between parents and their children can offer more profound and long-lasting benefits.
I’ve been blogging and podcasting about this idea for some time and have gone on a few rants here or there about it. But it really became my focus a few weeks ago when I was talking to Jack. Jack has come to see me off and on over the years as he has progressed through different stages of life. He had recently sold his tech business and was pondering his next move. The business had not sold for what he had hoped, and he worked for the purchasing company. He was not enjoying the experience. Adding to his stress, his wife was not able to work due to some circumstances beyond their control.
Jack and Marabell have two children, both boys. Spencer is six, and Owen is three. Spencer and Marabell had an “Okay” relationship. It was “fine.” But it was stressed. They were experiencing money stressors and difficulties along with all of the things that come with raising a young family.
“You know, it’s just hard because I feel like I have to ensure they’re in everything to have the best opportunity to succeed. Spencer is already in soccer and baseball; we’re trying to figure out how to get him violin lessons.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Well, how will they know what they’re good at or what they like if they don’t get to try everything? And you know, doing extra things is good for them.”
“But is it good for your marriage? And can there be too much so that we reach a tipping point where it actually isn’t good for them?”
I wish I could show you a recording of Jack’s face, but I can’t because no such recording exists. Let me just tell you that he looked at me as though I was crazy. He couldn’t believe that I was suggesting that baseball practice two nights a week, soccer practice two nights a week, homework, and maybe violin practice would be too much for Spencer. The idea that it could harm Jack’s marriage and his relationship with his kids never crossed his mind until I suggested it. We had a great talk that day.
He and I explored the idea that parents do not have to ensure their children are involved in every sport or activity. Rather, if they focus on building healthy, nurturing relationships, their children will be just as successful—if not more so—in life. Today, I want to discuss those themes in this post.
Through examining the pressure of modern parenting, the benefits of fewer structured activities, the power of relationships in child development, and real-life examples of balanced parenting, we will demonstrate that a “less is more” approach can be a healthier and more effective way of raising resilient, well-rounded children. I know it’s a concept that sounds almost heretical today but I think it’s a truth that is starting to gain momentum and some traction in the modern conversation about parenting.
The Pressure of Modern Parenting-The Stakes are so High
The societal pressure for children to be involved in many activities is a relatively recent phenomenon. In previous generations, unstructured play, free time, and family bonding often defined childhood. However, over the past few decades, there has been a dramatic shift toward overscheduling children, with parents needing to keep them constantly busy with sports, music lessons, academic clubs, and other extracurricular activities. I get it, what we’re doing as parents has great consequences.
This creates pressure from multiple angles and multifaceted reasons. Many parents fear that if their children are not participating in a wide range of activities, they will fall behind their peers in terms of skill development or social standing. Additionally, the competitive nature of college admissions has fueled the belief that children need to build an impressive resume from an early age in order to secure their future success. Parents often experience anxiety over the notion that “more is better” when it comes to their children’s involvement in sports and activities. If a little bit is good, a lot should be so much better, right?
However, comes at a cost. Studies have shown that overscheduled children can experience stress, burnout, and a sense of overwhelming pressure to perform. Parents, too, can become emotionally and physically drained from the constant shuttling to and from practices, games, and events. Ultimately, the notion that children must be constantly engaged in organized activities can detract from what should be a central aspect of childhood: the development of close, loving relationships with their parents. Emotional security is key and as my wife and I like to say, “relationship wins.”
Less Really is More
Reducing the number of structured activities children are involved in can have numerous positive outcomes for both children and their families. Firstly, it allows children to have more free time for unstructured play, which has been shown to be critical to their development. Unstructured play encourages creativity, problem-solving, and independence as children learn to entertain themselves, create games, and develop their own social rules without adult intervention.
Secondly, by not overloading children’s schedules, families can experience less stress and more downtime. This provides an opportunity for meaningful interactions between parents and their children, which can be far more valuable than running from one activity to the next. For instance, instead of spending time sitting on the sidelines of a soccer game or driving to the next violin lesson, parents can have time to talk with their children about their day, help them process their emotions, or simply enjoy each other’s company.
Additionally, a reduction in activities can allow children to focus more deeply on the interests and passions they truly enjoy, rather than spreading themselves thin across multiple commitments. If children are allowed to choose one or two activities they are genuinely interested in, they are more likely to develop a lasting passion for those pursuits and less likely to experience burnout.
Relationship Wins.
One of the most important factors in a child’s development is the quality of the relationship they have with their parents. Nothing impacts a child’s formation of their worldview more than their relationship with their parents, despite what any private religious school administration might tell you. Research consistently shows that children who feel supported, loved, and connected to their parents are more likely to develop emotional resilience, self-confidence, and a strong sense of identity. While activities and sports can help children develop certain skills, it is the relationship they have with their parents that lays the foundation for their overall well-being.
Strong parent-child relationships provide children with a sense of security, knowing that they have a reliable support system they can turn to during challenging times. This emotional foundation is crucial for a child’s mental health and can act as a buffer against the stresses and pressures they may face in other areas of life, such as school or social situations. When parents prioritize their relationship with their children over filling their schedules with activities, they are investing in a deeper, more meaningful connection that will benefit their child throughout their life.
Building a strong parent-child relationship involves spending quality time together, actively listening to children’s thoughts and feelings, and being present in their lives without distractions. This type of relationship-building is not easily achieved through car rides to sports practices or attending countless extracurricular events. Instead, it often happens in the quieter, more intimate moments of everyday life, such as cooking dinner together, going for walks, or having family game nights. These interactions allow parents to model important life skills like communication, empathy, and problem-solving, which are just as valuable—if not more so—than any skill learned on the sports field. And let’s be honest, how much time does a person really get to build relationship with their kids on the field? Drive time to and from practice? How much time is spent splitting the family because multiple kids need to end up at multiple fields, music halls, etc?
All of this is ignoring other good things that vie for our kids time; church events, school outings, etc. They’re healthy and normal desire to build friendships with peers. These are all good things and parents can feel the extreme pressure of trying to make it all happen at the expense of their family time.
Real-Life Examples of Balanced Parenting
There are countless examples of families who have found success by embracing a more balanced approach to parenting, focusing on the parent-child relationship over filling their child’s calendar with activities.
Consider the Johnson family. Initially, their children were involved in multiple sports teams, dance classes, and academic clubs, leaving little time for family bonding. The parents were constantly on the go, and their children were often stressed from their packed schedules. After a particularly exhausting school year, the Johnsons decided to scale back their children’s activities, allowing them to focus on one sport and one extracurricular activity each.
As a result, the entire family felt a sense of relief. With more free time, they could have regular family dinners, go on weekend hikes, and spend quality time together without the stress of constant rushing. The Johnson children, freed from over-scheduling pressure, became more relaxed and happier. They also found they had more energy to devote to the activities they were truly passionate about, and they formed deeper connections with their parents during the downtime.
Another example is the Smith family, who chose to forgo formal sports teams and extracurricular activities altogether for several years, focusing instead on family outings, creative play, and volunteering together. Their children thrived in this environment, developing strong social skills, creativity, and a sense of community. When they did eventually decide to participate in organized activities, they did so with a clearer sense of their interests and passions, having been given the space and freedom to explore their own interests at their own pace.
The Long-Term Benefits of Relationship-Centered Parenting
When parents prioritize building strong relationships with their children, they are providing their children with tools that will serve them throughout their lives. Emotional intelligence, self-regulation, and a sense of belonging are all fostered through strong familial bonds. These qualities are foundational for success in adulthood, as they contribute to healthier relationships, better coping mechanisms, and a greater sense of self-worth.
Moreover, children who have secure attachments with their parents are more likely to develop healthy self-esteem. They learn that their worth is not tied to their achievements or the number of activities they are involved in, but rather to who they are as individuals. This understanding is crucial in a world that often values external success over internal well-being. By focusing on relationship-building, parents are helping their children develop a strong sense of identity and self-worth that is not dependent on constant external validation.
In addition to emotional benefits, children with strong relationships with their parents are often more academically successful. Studies have shown that parental involvement in a child’s education, through support and encouragement at home, is a stronger predictor of academic success than participation in extracurricular activities. When children feel supported and connected at home, they are more likely to excel in school, as they have the emotional foundation that they need to handle academic challenges.
So What?
The idea that parents must ensure their children are involved in every sport and activity is rooted in the belief that external success is the key to a child’s well-being. However, this approach can lead to stress, burnout, and strained family relationships. In contrast, a focus on building strong, nurturing relationships with children provides a deeper, more lasting foundation for their success. It creates an internal development that leads to success in adult life.
Parents can foster emotional resilience, creativity, and a strong sense of identity in their children by scaling back on structured activities and prioritizing quality time together. The “less is more” approach to parenting allows children the freedom to explore their own interests, develop at their own pace, and, most importantly, build a secure attachment to their parents. In the end, these relationships will have the greatest impact on a child’s well-being and future success—not the number of activities on their schedule.
As parents, it is important to remember that children will not only be “fine” with fewer activities; they may thrive when given the time and space to develop strong bonds with their families and explore their world at their own pace. The parent’s marriage may also grow and thrive, which is always helpful and healthy for kids and family wholeness.
