In last week’s episode on my podcast, I talked about the rule of three. If you haven’t already, you can listen to that episode here.
In that episode, I talk about how I worry about the world that I’m leaving my children. I worry about the world that we are leaving our children.
If you’re not into podcasts, I wanted to discuss the rule of three here.
I think our world has a problem. The cause is multifaceted, and I doubt that a simple podcast episode or blog post could solve the whole thing.
I do think it’s a good start.
We’ve created a culture where people seem to think it’s OK to do bad things when they’re angry. This is in part because we’ve confused feelings with identity and behavior. Mix into that already toxic mess the idea that my side is always the morally superior side that wants the morally correct thing, therefore anyone who disagrees with me is by default morally inferior, and you have a recipe for our current world.
I think the final ingredient of toxicity is the belief that all discomfort should be removed from our lives, and we have a society where polarization looks like two magnets trying to attach at the same polarity spot.
What’s wild to me is that almost everyone I talk to agrees with this observation.
Yet, they seem to think that there’s not much we can do about it.
I disagree.
I’m suggesting that we can make changes to our society by regularly engaging in difficult conversations. We can slow this polarization and perhaps even foster positive growth by humanizing those with whom we disagree.
How do we do this?
We talk.
We eat together.
We drink coffee together.
We find our areas of agreement.
But.
And you knew there was a but coming.
We’re going to have disagreements in those conversations. That’s why we stopped talking to each other in the first place. That’s how we ended up with the echo chambers we have today.
In this post, I want to offer a tool that I think can revitalize our difficult conversations.
The Rule of Three.
I call it the rule of three.
It’s so simple. Look at each verbal exchange of ideas as one evolution.
You say something.
I ask some clarifying questions (because I’m a good listener) and eventually I say something in response. This is one evolution.
Do it again. Second evolution.
One more time. Third evolution.
At this point, I start doing some evaluating.
I ask myself if we have presented new or further information. I’m looking for information about what we believe or why we believe it.
If I think new information has been presented and the conversation is moving forward, then I continue.
But.
If this conversation is not presenting new information, then I want to find an off-ramp.
I would probably say something like, “I can see you’re passionate about this, but I feel like we’re just repeating ourselves at this point. I’m wondering if now might be a good time for us to agree to disagree. It seems unlikely that we’re going to uncover new information or that we will change the other’s mind.”
Longtime listeners to my podcast and even readers of this blog will know that I’m a firm seventy percent guy.
In other words, I expect to agree with my friends about 70% of the time. I’m comfortable going lower, and I don’t want to spend all my time with friends talking about what we disagree over, so 50-70% seems ideal.
I have friends with whom I disagree passionately on some things. But we disagree civilly.
Our society is being gutted by our inability to see the humanity in the other side.
This rule assumes that normal conversation etiquette has been followed. No name-calling has occurred, etc.
When those things happen, I usually politely ask for us to return to the topic without it. If the other person is unwilling or incapable of doing that, I will refuse to engage.
We don’t have to agree on everything.
And our unwillingness to engage in disagreements has led to a world where it feels like we’re incapable of doing it.
I refuse to believe that.
I believe that we can be civil.
I believe we can debate ideas on the merit of the ideas.
I believe we can find common humanity.
Try it out.
See how it goes.
Then come back and let me know how it went.
If this post resonated with you, would you share it with a friend?
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