The Secret to Becoming a Great Communicator (part 4).

Introduction

Today, we wrap up our series on effective communication. If you missed the previous posts, you can start with the first one here and find the subsequent posts here and here. In this final installment, we’ll explore the importance of staying focused on one issue until it’s resolved. Most importantly, we’ll discuss the value of addressing the problem itself rather than attacking the person involved.

Rule 5. Issues Only

Dealing with only the issues means we deal with the problems, not the person. This seems like a no-brainer, but think about all the times you’ve had an argument go south when you attacked the person or felt attacked. Too often, our words move from dealing with the person’s actions to attacking the person. Then, after the fight is over, even though we know we were mistaken, we also know we were right. Apologizing becomes painful because the whole situation becomes a bloody and muddy mess of hurt and miscommunication.

To deal with the issues only, commit to thinking through what you say before you say it. I know this sounds so simple, but experience should tell you just how hard it is. Most people have bad habits in how they communicate, which causes them to increase the stress in a conversation and the relationship.

No one wants to be defined by their mistakes. No one wants to be defined by their failures.

Yet, that is how most people attempt to paint their partner when they are in an argument with them. They use “you are” words instead of “you did” words. This moves the problem from something that can be fixed to something that your partner is.

It dials up the problem into something loud and insurmountable. It tells your spouse that you believe they have a fundamental flaw in them that can’t be changed without fundamentally altering who they are. It increases their defensiveness. We must constantly consider how our words are affecting our partner’s defensiveness. Are the words used causing the defensiveness to increase or decrease? Everyone involved will already be somewhat defensive, as they will be stressed.

But the attack of their person increases that defensiveness and stress exponentially. It pushes both parties toward the fight or flight mode.

Dealing with issues also helps to keep the discussion on point. We’re not tempted to wander with our discussion when we are only dealing with issues. We decrease the chances that our spouse is going to respond with something random as a defense mechanism. Because of that, we create a space where a conversation regarding the real possibility of change is discussed.

Dealing with the issues keeps us from causing pain that we will regret later and still gives us a clear path to express our own frustration and feelings. It allows us to have a beginning, middle, and end to the argument or discussion. Everyone has disagreements. Everyone has feelings of frustration and sometimes even real anger, and everyone can choose not to attack their partner in those moments.

That’s really what I’m talking about in this section: you do not have to attack your partner. You do not have to say hurtful things. That is always a choice. Hurting someone with your words will often feel good in the moment, but over the long run, they actually cause damage to the things you value the most: relationships.

Sometimes, your spouse will feel hurt or attacked because they are hearing things they do not want to hear about what they have done. How they decide to handle that is on them. At other times, they will have a legitimate complaint about being attacked. Changing that is on us.

The key is to have agreed-upon ground rules for how discussions should happen. What words are acceptable and which words are not to be used should be decided before the disagreement actually happens. One of those agreed-upon ground rules should be that only words that deal with actions will be used and words that deal with a person’s being will not be used.

This means that we commit to using action verbs. We talk about what the partner/spouse did or did not do, not who they are. This inherently allows them the possibility of change.

So often, our legitimate complaints become bogged down because we attack the person. No one wants to be defined by their mistakes.

Emma and Josh

Emma and Josh had been married for three years when they came to see me. They had two children who were both young. Emma worked part time at her family business and felt worn out most of the time. Josh was moving ahead quickly in his company. From the outside, they had the perfect marriage. But tears fell freely as Emma explained to me that they “simply could not communicate!” Josh agreed and they were at their wit’s end.

I asked them what they thought was keeping them from communicating. They both responded with, “I don’t know.” I have found this to be a rather common answer to this question so I usually ask a few follow-up questions in reserve to attempt to push the conversation forward.

Emma: He’s just so angry all of the time!

Me: What do you mean?

Emma: He just yells at me nonstop.

Josh: Well, that’s not entirely true. She’s always so grumpy with me. It’s like—

Emma: Oh, sure, it’s all my fault. (Notice they are quickly devolving into the mutual blame conversation).

Emma: He’s just a yeller.

Josh: And she’s just a complainer! She’s never happy!

Emma: What about you? You just come home and sit down like I’m you’re servant and you’re some king! It’s like you think because you work, I don’t need your help at home. I almost feel like you’re just lazy.

Josh: There you go! She’s also just mean when she gets mad. Out in public, she’ll be all nice and then bam! We get home and she’s as mean as a hornet.

Some readers will think this conversation may have gone too far down too fast to be real, but I suspect that many readers will recognize it as not only plausible but as part of their story. Emma started off okay. She stated that he’s angry a lot. This could be improved a little bit, but for the most part, it’s a decent way to engage into the circle of conflict.

Trouble came when Josh began to disagree with her. She could have improved her statements by talking about what exactly Josh did and only what he did. Josh also fell apart because he started talking about her and not her actions.[1]

By dealing with the actions, which is the real problem, we offer love and hope to our spouse. We demonstrate that we can love them, but at the same time need to find a way for them to change a few things while we ourselves find a way to change.

Relationships are about loving each other where you are and at the same time, pushing each other to be better. Most people are willing to take the pushing if they believe that they are being pushed because the other person loves them.

A Note about Words and Actions

Words are actions when it comes to relationships. While we are conditioned in our society that the two are different, they are not when it comes to relationships. At least one entire book discussing the differences and similarities of actions and words could be filled.

When you are discussing someone’s words, say you understood what was said and how you interpreted it. With the ubiquitousness of text messaging, so many couples have entire discussions over text. Often, the words can be read to mean multiple things.

Tone often has more to do with how we read it than how the person typed it. This combination can lead to disaster when it comes to discussions and relationships.

This also leads to a second problem spot: when the couple actually argues over what was said. When this happens, it is really important to use the Mirror Method to reach a consensus on what was said. This can be helpful when what you hear is not what your partner meant to say.

Of course, if there is always a debate about what was said versus what was heard, that may be an issue that needs to be discussed.

Rule 6. Today’s News

One of the biggest derailments for fights is their lack of direction. A disagreement starts out dealing with one issue, and then it begins to experience conversational drift. As the conversation drifts, it often becomes heated from burning emotions. It can begin to move at a frenetic pace that is not only illogical but destructive to the emotional security of the relationship.

Staying on track is done by only dealing with the issue at hand. I call this today’s news.

Dealing with today’s news is about facing the issue or issues in front of you and refusing to move in any other direction. It’s about staying engaged in a manner that allows you to solve the problem without bringing up past hurts.

When you do this, you can engage the problem and refuse to leave it; you can communicate to your partner that you care about them. You tell your spouse that you want what is best for the relationship and for them.

By engaging today’s news, you can offer hope to your spouse that you are actually interested in finding a way to solve the problem. It tells them that you care about them enough to share a problem and that you are in love enough to want to solve that problem instead of just attacking them.

Today’s news allows the past to be the past. It doesn’t avoid the conflict, but it refuses to bring up every sin from the past to be used as a weapon. When couples follow this rule, they force themselves to deal with the issue at hand until it is solved. By doing this, they minimize the amount of intentional hurt that they might inflict on their partner if they allow the conversation to run across the emotional landscape. By staying on track, the couple increases their chances of solving the problem and coming to the place where they can put the issue to rest.

This is the second strong advantage of this rule. By sticking with today’s news, we can’t ignore something simply because engaging it will make us uncomfortable. When we do this (avoid), we essentially ingest poison. Slow-acting but often fatal poison that destroys us, our relationships, and almost anything that touches our soul.

Today’s news forces us to deal with issues as they arise. It doesn’t allow for us to ignore an issue because we feel uncomfortable. While we do not have to deal with something immediately, we do have to deal with it relatively soon. This allows us to process it and move on rather than allowing the anger to fester and rot.

Eric’s eyes lit up when I brought up this topic at a Hopes and Dreams Marriage Conference I was teaching a few years ago. Hopes and Dreams Marriage Conferences are something my wife and I have been doing for almost a decade now, teaching these principles to as many people as possible. Eric’s entire body twitched when I began talking about this rule.

At the break, he came up to me rather excited and told me that his wife was constantly bringing up everything that happened over the course of their marriage. Worse, in his eyes, she was incredibly passive-aggressive in how she talked about the past. “It’s like she has a movie-like memory for things that happened fifteen years ago!” he exclaimed.

Later, the three of us met and it went something like the following:

Eric: Well, like I told you at the conference, Mandy seems to remember everything I’ve ever done wrong. I hear about them every time I do something new that’s wrong.

Mandy: (interrupting) That’s not exactly true—he’s just an exaggerator.

Eric: See, I’m wrong again.

Mandy: Well, you are! This is just like the other day when you told me how I never praise you for doing anything right around the house. You always just want praise.

Eric: Okay, here’s an example: the other day, we were talking about vacation this summer. I came home from work and sat down in my chair to just relax for a few moments. I had a long day. She came home and was upset because I hadn’t moved some stuff in the garage. Somehow, that spun to this time eight years ago when I blew up on vacation. What do the two have to do with each other?

Mandy: A lot. They illustrate exactly how selfish you can be.

At this point, I interrupted and asked Mandy to clarify what she meant by selfish. She swallowed hard, sat forward on the couch, and told me she was glad I asked.

Mandy: When we were dating, he went out with his friends and got drunk. He ended up flirting with some slut!

Eric immediately jumped in and pointed out that they had been married for over fifteen years so this was at least seventeen years ago.

And while he was 100 percent correct that this offense had been seventeen years ago, it had never been dealt with so it became a magnet for every pain, insult, and injury to follow. When we fail to deal with today’s news, it becomes yesterday’s news—but worse, it becomes unprocessed news.

This leads to a wound that never heals. Unhealed wounds become infected and cause more pain. Eventually, they cause death.

When we deal with the “Today’s Issue”  we stop infections from starting. Furthermore, we tell our partner that we love them and care about the relationship enough to engage in something that they inherently fear. This creates ground for emotional security to grow.

[1] To see how the conversation could have gone differently, visit www.emotioanallysecurecouple.com.

Conclusion:

I believe that consistently applying any of these rules can enhance all your relationships. Embracing all six rules together and integrating them into regular communication can have a cumulative and truly transformative impact. To purchase the book, you can find it wherever quality books are sold or follow this link. If you live near one of our offices, please stop by and pick up a copy.