I find that many of my clients and people that I come in contact with actually see the early warning signs but tend to ignore them because of the narrative in their own head. Some obvious early warning signs are over sharing too soon, when it is not appropriate. This is often an attempt at…
If I asked you how a person came to feelings, you would probably believe that the following steps are the process for how we go from an event to a feeling is something like this: Something happens I have a belief about what happened. I have an emotional reaction (a feeling or emotion) to what…
Nothing in life will invite us to more regret than parenting. There are so many times, that no matter how it plays out, you and I will be tempted to think about the 3 million other ways we could have gone. But what happens when you know you really made a mistake? I address that…
You’re not an idiot because something bad happened like you lost $100 that you can’t afford to lose. You’re not shameful because someone molested or raped you as a child. You didn’t deserve to be raped because you were drunk at a party. Your worth isn’t diminished because your father didn’t know how to adequately love you. You’re not worthless because your mom took every chance she could to remind you that you were an accident that wasn’t planned.
I do not believe you are an accident. I do believe you have worth.
Then we try to soothe our pain. We try to soothe it by working out or making millions of dollars or getting involved in church. We try to outdo our shame, falsely believing that we can outrun it through activity. The net result becomes a heaping of shame on top of shame. Our activity does not do away with our shame; instead, it numbs our response to it. A numb soul tends to be numb to everything. This causes us to pick activities that keep us from connecting with someone else, which causes us to experience more shame.
Few people are actually chasing an affair at first, they are often chasing other things that lead to the affair. But few people, if they are honest with the themselves, will deny that they knew where it was heading when they jumped on the path.
If you saw yourself in any of these steps, I can’t encourage you enough to seek counseling.
Affairs are terrible storms that leave dark and deep swaths of destruction in their wake.
Forgiveness helps us deal with the past.
Process allows us to the focus on the future.
In focusing on the future, we shape our present. This is why we must examine what we are focusing on. If you don’t focus on what you want to become (your future), you will become whatever you are focusing on.
If we want to find true satisfaction, we will have to start with controlling the things we control and accepting the fact that we don’t control everything. Energy spent trying to control things we can’t control is energy wasted.
This video deals with my history of sexual assault at the hands of someone in my neighborhood and the different reactions I’ve encountered over the years in trying to bring the conversation to light.
Here is my fourth YouTube offering. In this video, I explore the three steps for problem solving. So many couples get into trouble in their conversation because they end up trying to go directly to step #3. Watch the video below and let me know what you think. Thanks.
