This post is an open letter from my wife to my daughter’s supervisor. We’ve never met her, but we have heard some statements and questions from her through our daughter.
Dear Kendra’s Supervisor,
I have heard that you want to meet us. Kendra has mentioned how highly you speak of her. Her charisma, love for people, strong character, and determination intrigues you. You observe her passion for Jesus, and her sense of responsibility impresses you.
I am, too. Kendra is an amazing young lady. I’m told you want to meet her dad and me to learn about us and our approach to raising kids. Would you like to know our secrets? I know Kendra has told you a lot. She gives us much credit for how she has turned out, often speaking about the values we have instilled in her.
We have no secrets. We have raised three extraordinary young ladies. How did we do it? We have emphasized a few key principles since day one. Let me share these with you.
Love God
My husband and I grew up in religious homes, attending church three times a week. However, we wanted our girls to do more than go through the motions; we wanted them to have a genuine relationship with Jesus. We knew we couldn’t achieve this by pushing religion down their throats, simply showing up at church, or preaching about Jesus. Instead, we showed them Jesus by how we loved them. From day one, we decided to love them well—with gentleness, guidance, and pursuit. We wanted our actions to speak louder than our words.
Kendra tested this many times. I will never forget the day we were riding in the car together, and she looked at me and said, “Mom, I don’t think I believe in God or want what you and Dad have. I see too much evil in this world and don’t understand how this God you talk about can let all this happen.” I replied, “Kid, I understand. I have wrestled with the same thoughts. While your dad and I love Jesus, I will not force you to; it has to be your decision.” We gave her space. We allowed her not to love Jesus while we continued to love her.
Our actions of loving Jesus had to speak louder than our words.
Serve Others
To make life count, our girls have repeatedly heard, “It has to be about more than just you.” We show up. We love others well. When we moved to Michigan, we would drive 45 minutes to the other side of Grand Rapids to attend church. My husband said, “I think it is important to stop doing this. Let’s pour into the community we live in.” We have taught them to love others, not just because we say so, but because they believe in it.
Know What You Believe and Why
When Kendra was around 11, she came to us and said, “I don’t think it’s fair that I have to be in bed when my friends get to stay up till 9.” Joe has always taught the girls, “Fair is a place where you pay to pet pigs. There is no such thing as fair!” He said, “I hear you want a different bedtime. I don’t care what your friends’ parents do. I want you to research an appropriate bedtime for an 11-year-old and get back to me.” So she did. She researched an appropriate bedtime and presented it to us. She got a new bedtime. We want our children to think critically.
Through our teachings, we have helped them develop their personal belief system. We do not want little robots for children; we want critical thinkers who know what they believe and why they believe it.
Kendra’s first year of high school, she came to me and said, “Mom, I think premarital sex is just a social construct.” I said, “Oh, tell me more.” At that moment, I didn’t care that she had a different belief than we did; I cared about how she came to that belief. We talked. I asked her to research the marriage covenant and tell me what she discovered. She did. She came back excited and said, “Mom, the covenant is much more than I thought it was! When you say don’t have sex before marriage, it is because there is an emotional, physical, and spiritual part to the covenant!” That day, she formed her own belief. I did not need to say more. Joe and I have always assumed our kids will not share all our beliefs, and we are okay with that. Our goal has been to create children who feel safe to share with us, even if we disagree.
Value Family
Teaching them to value family does not mean putting up with dysfunction or having limited boundaries. We teach them healthy communication, what it looks like to pursue and work together as a team, and most importantly, to work through their problems, no matter how challenging they might be. We do not rescue them from hardship.
Let Them Fail
Let’s talk about what has been the most difficult for me as a mom. I want to rescue them. I want to save them from pain—but we don’t. Moments of pain teach people the most significant life lessons.
We have let them not turn in homework, have hard conversations with teachers, pick poor friends, and pick bad boyfriends.
We let them fail because, ultimately, we wanted them to know that failure is not final and that Mom and Dad will be here to love and support them no matter what they do; however, they are responsible for their own choices.
We Don’t Take Ownership of Their Choices
Here’s another tough one for me as a mom. I wanted to take ownership. I wanted to fix it. But I knew I couldn’t. They have to make their own choices and live with those consequences. With this being said, Joe and I only had a few rules. The house rules were simple:
- You can do whatever you want until your choices negatively affect someone else in the house.
- You can come home when you want from a friend’s house, but you must obey the law and communicate.
- You can choose not to clean your room, but you get to live in it—not us.
- You can choose to smoke or drink, but you are responsible for what it does to your body. And we’re probably going to talk about privileges. (They never tried it.)
- You can party and choose bad friends, but I am not bailing you out ( they never tried it).
- You can have unlimited access to electronics, but we will take them away if you do something illegal or unethical. You’ll need to learn to regulate yourself. So your use cannot negatively affect your responsibilities.
- You can choose not to do your chores, but I might choose not to take you to your friend’s house.
Life has a crazy gift. You can make any choice you want, and you will live with the consequences of that choice, so choose wisely.
We Will Always Be Your Biggest Fan
We have encouraged the girls to aim high and pursue their dreams. Whatever they choose to do with their lives, as long as they are being wise, we will support them. Joe made it pretty simple for the girls: as long as you’re in college, we will provide you with work, wages, a roof over your head, and food on the table. If you choose not to attend college, you will be responsible for these things. Whatever route you choose, we will love you and always be your biggest fan. You can do nothing to make us love you more or less.
We invite them to be responsible for bills.
We expect our kids to work at around the age of 15. They’re to save their money, pay for car insurance, college, and a vehicle, and learn to budget money. Interestingly, while they all have this financial responsibility, they choose to give up their money freely. We do not preach tithing in our home. We preach giving generously, so they do. They each financially support orphans in other countries. We do not make them do this. They choose to do it.
The Way You Love Will Be Your Mark on the World
The girl you’re so impressed with is impressive because she has taken the values we have taught her and used them to be a light in her world. She has worked hard, been responsible, been kind, and noticed and loved people where they were.
I am just as impressed as you are with the young woman she has become. Truthfully, there is no secret to the Martino way of raising great kids. We have high expectations and love them well. They’re pretty easy kids to love.
Best regards,
Erica
