Every day, I sit with people who are desperate to change something in their lives. Their habits. Their relationships. Their patterns. Their choices. Their reactions. Their pain. The specifics vary, but the struggle is the same. They want transformation, and they want it now. But here’s the truth that usually lands like a brick: change never begins where we think it does.
One of the most helpful frameworks I’ve encountered was in a book called Changing for Good. The authors outline six stages of change, and if you’ve ever tried to overhaul your life, you’ve lived these stages whether you realized it or not.
The stages are:
- Precontemplation — “Get off my back”
- Contemplation — “I want to stop feeling stuck”
- Preparation — “I’ll start tomorrow”
- Action — “Here I go”
- Maintenance — “Keep moving forward”
- Termination — “Home free”
In counseling, we call stage 6 graduation.
Photo by Eden Constantino on Unsplash
You don’t leap from stuck to unstoppable. You move. Slowly. Sometimes painfully. Sometimes with a few steps backward. But you move.
If you’re trying to grow, heal, or change something important in your life, the most valuable question you can ask yourself is simple: Where am I actually on this spectrum?
Because the story we tell ourselves about where we are is almost always more optimistic than the truth.
I can’t tell you how many clients I’ve worked with who believed they were firmly in the action stage because they were reading about change, thinking about change, talking about change, praying about change, or buying resources about change. But the truth was that they were sitting in the early stages, somewhere between denial and internal wrestling.
That’s not failure. That’s honesty.
And honesty is the real starting point of transformation.
Stage 1: Precontemplation
This is the “I’m fine, stop bothering me” stage. It’s defensive. Closed. Resistant. People in this stage don’t think the problem is their problem. They might be hurting, but they’re not yet convinced they need to do anything about it. If you’re here, nothing is wrong with you. You’re just not ready. Most of us spend more time here than we admit. Sometimes, this will look like what I call wanting to want to change. This is the stage where a person might want to want to change, but they’re not willing to really consider it beyond that possibility.
Stage 2: Contemplation
This is the stage where you finally admit something isn’t working. You feel stuck. Frustrated. A little scared. You know something needs to shift, but the idea of doing something about it feels overwhelming. There’s usually guilt, confusion, and uncertainty. Think of it like standing at the edge of a cliff, wondering what will happen if you jump. This is often the stage where a person starts to feel the pain of not changing more than the potential pain of changing. Many definitely want to change here, they’re not sure about the price they would need to pay to make the change.
Stage 3: Preparation
This is where the emotional wrestling starts to transform into intention. You start saying things like, “I’ll start tomorrow.” You’re not ready today, but you’re warming up. You’re gathering motivation. You’re picturing life on the other side, even if you haven’t stepped out yet. You start planning here. A client I was working with once bought 10 T-shirts in preparation for going to the gym 5 times a week. One set of five could be in the laundry while the other set was being used. She was planning.
Stage 4: Action
This is the part people imagine when they think about change. Doing. Moving. Actually taking steps. Setting boundaries. Starting the routine. Ending the toxic attachment. Going to the appointment. Having the hard conversation. This stage feels energizing for some and terrifying for others, but it’s always disruptive. And it’s always intentional.
Stage 5: Maintenance
The least glamorous part. You’re no longer trying something new, you’re trying not to fall back. You’re fighting the gravity of old patterns. This stage is slow and unexciting, but it’s where actual transformation is built. A month of consistency beats ten adrenaline-filled days of action every time.
Stage 6: Termination
This is where the new pattern feels like the normal pattern. You’re not fighting your old habits every day anymore. The change has become part of you. You feel steady. Grounded. You’re not white-knuckling anything. You’re free.
Now here’s why these stages matter: when people misjudge their stage, they judge themselves for the wrong reasons. And it gets complicated because for years, we (therapist) have taught that you can jump on the circle of change at any spot. In other words, you could fall off stage one and then start back in on stage four.
There are some therapists who are starting to push back against that a bit. I am still working through whether there is enough data to move me on that point. (I know, that’s a bit of a nerd side trail).
Today, let’s talk about how people tend to think about themselves and judge themselves in each stage and why that matters.
A person in stage one thinks they’re failing because they’re not taking action, when the truth is they’re not supposed to be taking action yet. They’re still warming up to the idea of admitting something needs to shift. Sometimes, maybe often, they are blaming others while not being sure if they want responsibility for their change.
A person in stage two feels ashamed because they aren’t “doing anything,” when the reality is they are doing something. They’re wrestling with the truth. That matters.
A person in stage three feels stuck because they think intention isn’t real progress. But preparation is progress. It’s essential progress. It’s where courage starts forming.
And a person in stage four often burns out because they didn’t build the right foundation. They sprint into change with no emotional stamina, no plan, and no clarity. Then they collapse, blame themselves, and assume change just isn’t possible for them.
But you’re not broken. You’re human.
Change takes time. More time than we want. More time than we expect. And more time than our culture ever admits.
Change also requires loss. When you grow, you sacrifice something, even if it’s just the comfort of familiar pain. You lose predictability. You lose the old version of yourself. You lose excuses. You lose the emotional shelter that old patterns provided, even if those patterns hurt you.
And yes, change also asks for courage. Not the loud kind. The quiet kind. The kind that whispers, “I’m not ready yet, but I want to be.” The kind that admits fear without letting fear make all the decisions. The kind that acknowledges that the unknown is scary and still chooses to step toward it at your own pace.
When you understand the stage you’re in, you gain power. You stop fighting yourself. You stop pretending. You stop beating yourself up for not being further along. And you start engaging the kind of work that actually fits where you are.
Stage one needs awareness.
Stage two needs honesty.
Stage three needs intention.
Stage four needs support.
Stage five needs stability.
Stage six needs gratitude.
None of these stages make you weak. They make you human.
And there’s one more truth worth naming: you don’t have to navigate these stages alone. Sometimes you need someone outside your own head to help you see your blind spots, name your patterns, ask the right questions, and guide you toward clarity. That might be a counselor, a mentor, a coach, or someone who knows how to sit with you honestly without trying to fix you.
Change is possible. Not when you force it. Not when you fake readiness. Not when you pretend you’re in stage four while your heart is still stuck in stage one. Change happens when you have the courage to tell the truth about where you actually are and take the next step that matches reality.
Wherever you are today, you’re not behind. You’re not failing. You’re just on your stage.
And that’s enough to start.
May you have the courage to name where you are, the patience to honor your pace, and the hope to believe that movement is still movement even when it feels slow.
May you release the pressure to rush and instead choose the next honest step.
And may you remember that real change is never about perfection. It’s about telling the truth, choosing again, and trusting that who you’re becoming is worth the work.
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If this helped you see yourself a little clearer, pass it on. Someone you know is stuck in the same cycle and could use a straight, honest take that doesn’t shame them for being human. Share it with them—text it, post it, drop it in a group chat. You never know who might finally breathe a little easier because you did.
