Making Space for Our Kids to Succeed and Struggle

The other day, I dropped my son off at youth group, which gave me an opportunity to process my emotions. Growing up, I wasn’t exactly the kind of kid who fit in easily. I was awkward and, if I’m being honest, probably a bit strange.
My son and I had a great weekend. We spent most of it outside, playing, doing fun things, and doing some chores. It was truly a good weekend.
But.
Sometimes, it feels like there’s always a “but,” doesn’t it?
First, I had to talk with him—you know, the talk about what to do if someone tries to convince him to go off with them. Whether it was an adult or a peer, I told him to say no and text me immediately.
Sexual assault happens. Most people like to think it won’t happen wherever they send their kids, but it does. I’ve sat with enough victims to know that it can happen anywhere. We tend to consider the risk with adults, but peer-to-peer incidents are often overlooked and rarely discussed.
So, I talked with my son about what to do if it happens. I reminded him that he can tell me anything, no matter what.
I encourage you to have this conversation with your kids, too.
The second emotional hurdle came when we pulled up to the drop-off spot. My son spotted a friend and excitedly called out his name. He jumped out of the truck, yelling, “Sam!*” and ran towards him.  Sam ignored him.
In that moment, my childhood feelings of rejection surged back. I felt awful for my son, and tears streamed down my face as I drove away. It really hurt to watch.
Like you, I’ve always wanted better for my kids. I’ve always wanted to protect them from the pain and discomfort I experienced.
But the truth is, I can’t.
The other side of the story is that my son didn’t seem bothered by it. When I asked him about the evening after I picked him up, he said he had a great time.
We haven’t had a chance to talk about Sam’s interaction, and we might never have that conversation. But it’s a good reminder for me to let him experience life through his lens, not mine.
In an earlier post, I discussed the importance of letting our kids fail. That’s essential, but it’s also crucial to let them struggle and succeed on their own terms.
This, I believe, is one of the biggest challenges of parenting—balancing the need to let your kids face struggles with the recognition that what was once (or still is) a struggle for you may not be for them.
We all feel the pressure. The stakes in parenting seem so high that we sometimes think there’s only one “right” way to do it, and if we don’t get it exactly right, we’ll mess everything up. While I doubt that’s true, many of us can’t help but feel that way.
Our kids know we’re going to make mistakes. Most will go through a phase of grappling with their parents’ flaws, but eventually, they’ll likely accept them as part of being human.
Maybe this story resonates with you; maybe it doesn’t. Perhaps I’m writing it more for my benefit. But if any of it applies to you, I want you to know your kids see your efforts. I know parenting is hard, but it’s also one of the most rewarding experiences ever.
May you find joy in processing your emotions. May your journey with your children be filled with both struggles and successes. I believe in you.