Summer break has officially started. All of the end of the school year things are done and it’s time to enjoy popsicles late at night, sun tans, and pool parties.
In theory.
It also means parents across America are preparing themselves for one of the great modern fears:
“How much screen time are my kids going to have this summer?”
For many parents, summer creates an immediate sense of pressure and guilt around technology. During the school year, schedules help regulate things naturally. Kids are in class. They have sports. Homework. Activities. Bedtimes feel more structured.
Then summer hits.
Suddenly kids are home more.
Bored more.
On devices more.
And almost immediately the panic begins.
I think we worry that our kids can’t be bored, that they shouldn’t be bored.
Modern parenting seems to treat boredom as a parental failure.
I also think we have engaged in a lot of all or nothing thinking with technology.
I’m enjoying technology right now as I write this and that technology isn’t my computer.
It’s AC.
In a few moments I’m going to go benefit from another technological breakthrough: indoor plumbing.
But of course, those aren’t the technologies that we are warned or worried about. We’re worried about phones, tablets and apps.
Parents start hearing the same warnings everywhere:
Phones are destroying kids.
Social media is rewiring their brains.
Technology is ruining attention spans.
Video games are creating addiction.
Screens are killing social skills.
To be clear, I am not arguing technology has no risks.
It obviously does.
But I do think we have drifted into something unhealthy in the broader cultural conversation. Somewhere along the line, many parents started believing the primary goal was to “win the war” against technology.
That war is over.
Technology won.
Phones are not going away.
AI is not going away.
Social media is not disappearing.
The internet is not going backward.
Honestly, I am not even sure that should be the goal.
Instead of eliminating technology, maybe our goal should be teaching our children how to live wisely in a world where technology exists.
Because every generation panics about the newest form of technology.
People once argued novels would damage minds and weaken morality.
Radio was going to destroy conversation.
Television was going to ruin families.
Rock music was corrupting the youth.
Video games were supposedly creating violent criminals.
Now it is smartphones.
That does not mean phones are harmless.
It means human beings have a long history of turning fear into certainty.
What fascinates me most is how much the modern conversation around phones reminds me of older parenting debates around spanking.
Years ago, when I would tell people I did not spank my children, there was often an immediate assumption:
“Oh, so you just let them do whatever they want.”
As if the only two parenting options were:
Hit your kids or have no discipline at all.
Now I hear a very similar logic surrounding technology.
If you are not completely panicked about phones…
If you are not treating screens like radioactive material…
If you are not trying to ban every app and lock down every possible risk…
Then some people assume you must not care what your children are doing online.
That is a false dichotomy.
Healthy parenting has never been built on extremes.
The answer is not unrestricted chaos.
The answer is also not fear-driven obsession.
The answer is engaged parenting.
Our job as parents was never to create a fantasy world where our children would never encounter temptation, distraction, manipulation, comparison, loneliness, or unhealthy influences.
Yes, we want those encounters to be pushed out as far as possible. That world does not exist.
Our responsibility was to help prepare them for the real world they are actually going to live in.
In our house, this reality meant technology and its proper use was something we talked about often.
Not one time. We talked about it through thousands of small conversations over the years. It was just a normal conversation.
We talked about all of it. How does our use of anything reflect our values? Who do we want to become? What do we need to do today to become that person tomorrow?
We talked about the dangers of technology and the benefits.
In a recent letter to his subscribers, of which I am one, Charles Duhigg wrote this:
But you’re not thinking about those kinds of technologies! You’re worried about iPhones and TikTok and Insta! Too much screen time rots the brain, right?
Well, it’s nuanced. A study of 120,000 teenagers found that some screen time is better than none, but too much can make you miserable. People who spend about two hours a day surfing online are happy — but more than three hours is linked to anxiety and self-esteem issues.
So in our house, phones were not treated like forbidden treasure because forbidden treasure tends to become obsession.
The more emotionally charged and mysterious something becomes, the more power it often gains.
Many of the strategies we are now using with technology were tried with food a generation ago The result was one of the largest cohorts of eating disorders ever seen.
Religious people did it with alcohol. Most research is clear, those kids had a far higher chance of becoming alcoholics as adults than those who were taught to use it in moderation.
So, this summer, let’s try something. Let’s center our technology discussions with our children around the reality that technology is just a tool.
A useful tool at times.
And at other times, a dangerous tool.
It can connect or distract.
Which honestly describes almost everything human beings interact with.
Food can nourish or destroy us.
Money can help or corrupt us.
Work can create purpose or consume identity.
Entertainment can refresh us or numb us.
The “thing” itself matters, but our relationship to the thing matters more.
That is why blaming phones alone often feels incomplete to me.
Sometimes we blame technology the same way people blame food for diabetes while refusing to examine eating habits.
The issue is more than just access. It is growth and formation. It’s who we are shaping our children to become as they age.
And that means parents still matter enormously.
Boundaries matter.
Conversations matter.
Oversight matters.
Modeling matters.
You cannot spend six hours a night scrolling your phone while telling your teenager technology is the problem.
Kids notice hypocrisy quickly.
You also cannot outsource parenting to software.
Filters can help.
Monitoring apps can help.
Restrictions can help.
But none of those things can replace relationship.
At some point your child will encounter the world.
At some point they will have freedom.
At some point they will face temptation without you standing beside them.
It also means we need to teach our children something many adults no longer know how to practice themselves:
Boredom.
One reason phones dominate our attention so thoroughly is because many people have completely lost the ability to sit quietly.
Every moment must now be filled.
Every pause interrupted.
Every silence medicated with stimulation.
Kids need unstructured time.
Conversation.
Creativity.
Play.
Reflection.
Stillness.
Not because phones are evil.
Because human beings need balance.
Of course, this means we might need to consider how the adults will feel about this.
Dad might not be able to play his video games for three hours with his buddies.
The house might be a mess—let me guarantee it probably will be a mess.
Mom might not feel fulfilled as though she is living her best life in every moment.
Whatever the magazine photo shoot of your life is in your head might not happen exactly as it looks in your head.
And maybe that is the deeper issue underneath all of this.
Most of strategies for dealing with technology treat it as though it creates something in us. As though little Johnny would have been a good boy if that pesky phone had never come along. I think tha’s wrong.
Technology amplifies whatever already exists inside of us.
A lonely person can become more isolated online.
A curious person can learn endlessly.
An insecure person can become consumed with comparison.
A disciplined person can use incredible tools productively.
Technology reveals.
It magnifies.
It accelerates.
Which means the deeper work has never really changed.
We are still trying to help our children become wise, emotionally healthy, grounded human beings capable of handling freedom responsibly.
That has always been the assignment.
Summer break probably will include more screens.
More gaming.
More YouTube.
More texting.
More boredom scrolling.
But maybe instead of turning summer into another season of panic, parents can see it as an opportunity.
An opportunity to teach.
To guide.
To model.
To walk alongside their kids instead of merely policing them.
Please let me be clear, I am not saying that there should be no policing. I personally don’t think kids should have their own app store account. This is one layer of protection. My thirteen year old has no social media accounts except YouTube because he’s constantly learning on that app.
We need guidelines. We also need to model what we expect our children to become. We can and should delay privacy of the device. If you’d like more concrete steps that I think every parent can take to help their children navigate their use of technology check out episode 348 of The Joe Martino Show.
Eventually our children will carry enormous freedom into the world.
And our greatest gift to them will not be perfect control.
It will be helping them become the kind of people who can handle freedom and the temptation that comes with it.
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