A few years ago, I sat across from a man in my office who said, “I’ve tried everything, Joe. Nothing works. I’m just wired this way.”
He wasn’t being dramatic. He was tired. His marriage was falling apart, his anxiety was eating him alive, and he was exhausted from trying to “get better.” You could feel it—the kind of hopelessness that settles in after years of white-knuckling your way through life.
I asked him to tell me what “everything” meant.
He listed a few books. A podcast. A couple of counseling sessions years ago. Some spiritual stuff. Then he shrugged. “Nothing sticks.”
I get it. We’ve all been there standing at the intersection of frustration and fatigue, wondering if real change is even possible. But what I’ve learned, both personally and professionally, is that most of us aren’t fighting against the process of change. We’re fighting against the myths we believe about it.
Let’s talk about four of them.
Myth 1. Self-Change Is Simple
Somewhere along the way, we started treating growth like it’s a checklist. Just think positive. Set boundaries. Let it go.
Except, it’s not that easy.
If you’ve ever tried to break a habit, heal from trauma, or learn to respond differently under stress, you know it’s more like learning a new language. You stumble, backslide, and repeat the same old phrases before new ones ever take root.
Change isn’t simple. It’s layered. It asks you to rewire the parts of you that have kept you safe, even when “safe” wasn’t good.
The truth is, you can’t out-think pain. You have to move through it.
Myth 2. It Just Takes Willpower
Willpower is a spark, not a strategy. It’ll get you started, but it won’t sustain you.
The man I mentioned earlier was trying to brute-force his way into emotional health. Every day he told himself to just “do better.” Every day he failed.
He didn’t need more effort. He needed more structure. He needed support, accountability, and a way to make the right thing easier to do than the wrong one.
You can’t muscle your way into transformation. You can only design for it.
Myth 3. “I’ve Tried Everything—Nothing Works”
Most of the time, when someone says this, what they really mean is, “I’ve tried everything that didn’t make me too uncomfortable.”
Growth always involves discomfort. Not because you’re doing it wrong, but because you’re finally hitting the part that matters.
That same man eventually went back to counseling. He started journaling and facing things he’d avoided for years. It wasn’t glamorous. There were no breakthroughs with background music. Just a slow, daily slog through honesty. But things started shifting. Not all at once but enough.
“I guess it’s not that nothing works,” he said one day. “It’s just that I didn’t want to work this hard.”
That’s the moment real change began.
Myth 4. “People Don’t Really Change”
This one usually comes from pain. From watching someone promise growth and break it. From seeing ourselves repeat the same patterns. From wanting to believe in change but being scared to get our hopes up again.
But people do change. Slowly. Unevenly. With a lot of two-steps-forward, one-step-back kind of progress.
If you’ve ever healed from something that used to break you, if you’ve ever reacted differently to the same old trigger, if you’ve ever grown even a little in how you love, forgive, or show up then you’ve already proven it.
People change. You’ve changed.
It’s just that growth rarely looks like a moment. It looks like a process you almost gave up on.
So What Does This Mean?
Change isn’t simple. It’s not powered by willpower alone. It’s not hopeless, and it’s not fake.
It’s hard. It’s slow. It’s real.
And it starts the moment you stop believing the myths that make it feel impossible and decide to stay in the process long enough to see what’s actually true.
May you stop waiting for change to feel easy before you begin.
May you trade willpower for wisdom, exhaustion for structure, and shame for honesty.
May you remember that progress often hides in the small, unseen places—
in the pause before a reaction,
in the breath you take instead of the wall you build,
in the moment you try again, even when it hurts.
Change is slow. But it’s still possible.
And you’re already doing more than you think.
If this resonated with you. If you’ve wrestled with change, grown tired of trying, or just need reminders that transformation is still possible, subscribe to Emotionally Inclined. You can subscribe here.
I write about the real work of growth: the kind that’s slow, messy, and worth it.
Share this with someone who’s still trying to believe they can change. They probably need it more than they’ll admit.
